Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Everything is Different, Yet Nothing has Changed

It is amazing to think that just less than three weeks ago I was residing in Kalamazoo. My experiences at MCBTC seem like they happened to someone else is some other lifetime. Most likely the biggest reason for that is I am no longer the same person I was prior to arriving at the Center. Nor am the same person I was almost (gasp!) a year ago, when all the craziness went down. In fact, there have been so many versions of myself during the last 18 months that I have no idea who I truly am today or will be tomorrow. 
One thing that I do know is there is a drastic difference between the person who entered the MCBTC on February 27, 2010 and the one who sits at this crummy laptop currently. In a lot of ways I am more equipped to handle the daily challenges my low-vision brings but in several other ways I am even more impatient with my situation.  

My first few days at home were spent in a state of delirium. I had left Kalamazoo feeing that vision-impairment be damned, I could do anything. I spent a ridiculous amount of time planning all the activities that I wanted to do now that it was spring, and I was home and healthy, Together Emy and I would attend story hour at the library, join a multitude of classes like, sign language, swim, and maybe even a play-group/Gymboree to meet other moms and babies. I would be sure to carve out time for myself to maintain my sanity - I'd go to the Y regularly, take a yoga class, find a ceramics class, look into going back to school - yada, yada, yada. My mind swirled with the possibilities. Then reality hit. And it hit hard. 

Regardless of the level of independence I feel I am capable of. I am still very limited by my location. There are ZERO options of fordable transportation in the Waterford area. There are no buses, Para-transit, community groups, or even senior centers that will assist me even with running errands locally. There are cab companies but none of them seem willing to negotiate a regular-customer rate and consistently paying their exorbitant rates is just asinine. I do have friends and family who are more than willing to cart me and Emy around which is amazing and generous but the feelings of dependence and guilt are often difficult pills to swallow. 
Te reality is that I left the MCBTC feeling as if something deep within my soul was repaired. I felt healthy and strong in a way that I haven't in a very, very long time. It's awfully frustrating to feel so changed internally and arrive at the realization that situationally nothing has changed. 

 I feel awful complaining about this because there is so much positivity to focus on about the status of my emotional, physical, and visual health. Additionally, I am well aware that any parent who stays at home with their child feels lonely and isolated from time to time - (why do you think Facebook and Mommy Blogs are so popular?) but the inherent difference is that most people have the option of loading their kid up and going to run errands, see friends, have lunch out, or whatever., when they just can't take their house/yard anymore. That spur of the moment action is unavailable to me. 

 I am terrified that this feeling of BEING STUCK will never subside.

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