Pages

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Balancing Act

Ok. It's been a while. For that I am terribly sorry. I got busy. A lot has been going on. Blah, blah, blah, a million excuses. There is always a reason why I don't get something done. The reason may not be convincing or even feasible, but I guarantee there is always a reason. However, when you boil all the excuses down, there is really only one reason that matters. I haven't made time to write. Granted, the amount of time I could devote to writing has shrunk in the past 2 months, but there is always time. Choosing how to spend my time is where I constantly find myself in trouble.
You may or may not, (if you've known me for less than half a minute) be surprised to find out that I am a procrastinator. I run with the big dogs on this particular character trait. My ability to pull things off at the last minute is a bit like magic. I just repeat to myself my magic words, “fill in undesirable task du jour  will get done; it always does.” Poof! It always does.
Why I don't get into trouble more often is beyond me. Perhaps, it's the fact that I am well aware that I am in charge of the choices I make, and therefore have to adjust to any consequences of said choices. Problem is, since I've become visually impaired I am realizing the importance of planning and preparation in one's daily routine. Procrastination is no longer even an option in most facets of my life.
All the plans I have to have in place just to leave the house each morning for work is incredibly aggravating. and frustrating. I have to know who is taking Emy to daycare, who is taking me to work, who is picking me up from work, what time & where will pick up occur, who will help  pick E up from daycare, who will take me to grocery store because we ran out of milk, again? ARGH! The list just goes on and on. What I wouldn't give for a little spontaneity.
Because I rely on so many wonderful people, so frequently, I have stopped doing things for myself. I rely on no fewer than 10 people each week for assistance with crucial transportation needs. Work, daycare, doctor appointments. I am uncomfortable with the amount of scheduling currently required to pull that off each week. It is too much for me (and the lovelies who transport me) to add frivolous destinations into the mix like Target or the Y. Along these same lines, I no longer make movies, restaurants, libraries, coffee shops, or malls places I frequent occasionally, or ever. 
This deprivation state I entered into when I began working apparently had one other domain that it affected greatly. The time I spent writing has also greatly diminished.  
I am well aware that as a working mom I should not just be attempting to balance my kid and my job, but my husband (yes, I still have one of these) and myself. However, in my current mind set and experience, adding accommodations for a vision impairment to that mix weights the "Have to"s a lot heavier than the "Want to"s.
Don’t get me wrong. I have absolutely no desire to be a martyr. I am just a visually impaired woman trying to figure out how to balance motherhood, a teaching career, and a husband, all the while hoping to make time for writing, yoga, and the occasional cocktail with girlfriends.