Every now and then it hits me. The clichés are endless - it’s like a truck; it's like a ton of bricks; it’s like someone, suddenly pulled the rug out from underneath my feet. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. The clichés don't even come close to describing the feeling accurately.
Grief. Loss. Fear. Inexplicable sadness. I try and try to put these emotions into words and I just can't. There is not enough air in the room, not enough space for your feelings in your heart or your head. There are not enough words in your vocabulary to do it justice.
I can identify the triggers. That part is easy. It's the friend telling me she's pregnant. It is an episode of House or Grey's Anatomy where I know ALL of the crazy medical terminology because they were used to describe me once. It is an article about anxiety. It's a sleepless night. It's the smell of hospital clean. It's pretending to see what someone is describing to me day in and day out. The triggers are innumerable and endless. They're always there and yet I never know when they are coming.
Loss is a universal connector. The vast, endless, sorrow that sucks the air out of the room binds every human on this planet together. As alienating as it can be, grief has no prejudice. There is no rhyme or reason as to why this happened to me. Why I got sick, why I lost my sight, it is all a mystery that I could wallow in over and contemplate for days or years on end. But regardless, it happened. I am dealing. I am grieving, adjusting, and handling it the best I can. There is no right way to get over this. There is no wrong way either.
I seek solace in the lack of rules. The creation of my new normal is somehow freeing. Knowing that there are others who have lived to tell the tales of life changing instantly and irreversibly and hearing their struggles never fails to bring me out of the solitude of grief and feel connected.
That is why I started this blog. To build connections. My story may not be your story, but we all have one to tell. Thank you for sharing in mine.