Tomorrow I go back to see Dr J. at the Kellogg Eye Institute in Ann Arbor. This appointment has the potential to be monumental. It also has the potential to be disappointingly routine. Honestly, I can't say what I hope for more.
Tomorrow afternoon I will take a Visual Field test. Having never undergone this "test" before, I have no idea what to expect. I do however know, that it is one of a series of eye exams that will determine my effectiveness as a driver. A DRIVER.
Interesting fact, while I am still be all accounts a licensed driver in the state of Michigan. I have not been behind the wheel of a car since the morning of May 27, 2010. Nor will I, unless a doctor gives me permission. Because whether or not the State of MI realizes it, I am legally blind. Therefore, it is illegal for me to operate heavy machinery under any circumstances. At least I am pretty sure I still am. I guess I will find out tomorrow.
The thought of driving again both thrills and terrifies me. The intoxicating idea of freedom is very strong and must be contained at all costs. I can not get my hopes up. I honestly do not think I can handle the disappointment waiting for me if I expect to hear positive results. .
Yes, I said waiting for me. And, no, it's not because I am a pessimist. It's because I have to go into my appointment having ZERO expect ions. Dr. J has already told me the worst news he ever could, how could hearing that of course I am not able to drive, be worse? It's simple. Because, until I hear those words I still have hope. Hope, unrealistic, hope.