Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Musings and Such

I had such great hopes for this blog. On these virtual pages, I'd find my identity after tragedy; discover meaning buried deep, (DEEP???) within the experiences of childbirth and motherhood. I'd connect with people near and far in ways I desperately needed to. And yet here I am, two years later, struggling to put feelings into words. I spend countless hours debating whether or not my thoughts are blog-worthy. Whether or not, I wish to pull the curtain all the way back and expose myself completely. Whether or not exposing myself, raw & broken, as I am - is worthy of an audience. Would anyone feign interest?  Or, if I should just leave well enough alone; suffer in silence and seek comfort in the anomaly that is my life.  
I want to share my daily goings-on, but feel the burden of my history. A history, that is yet unwritten, but so significant, that I can't escape the definition of reality it has created. Am I able to distinguish the present from my past? Are my experiences (i.e.: failures...) as a mother more heart-wrenching due to my vision loss? Or am I completely off base, and the anguish I feel as a mother and as a partner have little to do with my vision-loss and am really just part of the human-experience of being a mother and wife?
If only I could separate them. Perhaps then, I'd have a chance of finding me. .

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