May is hard for me. Every date is linked to 2010 and a countdown to the 27th. Dates that are littered with hopes, fears, anticipations, decisions, and naivety that accompanied the upcoming birth of our child. It's tremendously difficult; some days, damned near impossible, not to look back and ask the unanswerable question, "What if?"
I try to avoid that path whenever possible, because there is no easy way back to the present. It's a long, twisty, winding road full of regret, pain, decisions made without the ironic clarity of hindsight. Whether or not something could have been done differently to alter the devastating events of the 27th is irrelevant. It happened. I got sick, lost my vision, and gave birth to Emeline Joy on the same day. The trauma and tragedy I endured will forever be inexplicably tied to the most joyous event of my life.
Very soon we will be celebrating her 3rd birthday. The birthday that has been her favorite topic of conversation since last November when my nephew celebrated his 6th, and she declared that her Grammy would make pink cupcakes for her birthday. 6 months of birthday talk, leading to her memorization of the order every single loved ones birthday, so she knew that after we celebrated Aunt Maura's birthday, THEN came hers. Her delight in celebrating birthdays is contagious and is a much needed reminder for me.
Tomorrow family and friends will gather in honor of Emeline. And while we celebrate Emy's & my dad's birthdays, I will be celebrating our journey and my indescribable gratitude that she is my daughter, and I am here to celebrate another year of being her mom.