Tomorrow I return to the Kellogg Eye Center in Ann Arbor for a progress check on my eyes. I am always cautiously optimistic about these appointments, mostly since Purtscher's is not a degenerative eye disorder; I know it is highly unlikely my vision has gotten worse. However, the majority of my progress and recovery was done in the first year after losing my vision and the knowledge that there is no cure, no treatment for Purtscher's Retinopathy any and improvements after 2 years of vision loss is improbable leaves me with little hope.
Ultimately I am okay with that. My vision improved so drastically in the first 9 months after the "trauma" that is my daughter's birth, I am thankful every day for my ability to see color, discern shapes and movement, and even identify detail if the situation is just right It's far from where I was, but for the most part I get by.
But the act of being near a hospital which I resided in for weeks sends shivers of grief and memory throughout my body. I am transported to a time where I was so full of hope that my vision loss was indeed a temporary side-effect of my overall poor health and was just another "bump" in my road to recovery.
It is not a bump. Low vision, legal blindness, visual impairment, whatever you want to call it, is my life. My retinas, much like my abdomen, hold permanent scars of childbirth.
I am fairly certain that my doctor will confirm what is already known about my vision. I'm not blind - in the sense that I can't see at all, but nor do I have the visual capabilities of a "normally" sighted person. I am somewhere in between. That fuzzy, grey, undefined, space in between. Where I will remain.