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Wednesday, December 12, 2018

Yoga


I almost didn’t go.
Today was all kinds of crazy. Another epic roller coaster that left me dazed and slightly nauseous. The pace of this job. Man, it's intense. 

 I was D-O-N-E, DONE. All I wanted was my pjs, my couch, and a giant glass of water. Yes, water. I’m severely dehydrated. Aren’t we all? Drinking enough water in a day requires refilling water bottles  and frequent trips to the bathroom. Two things I don’t often have time to do during the day. 

It was getting to the point where if I didn’t leave, I’d miss it entirely. I'd taken alway all my excuses for not going at 6am this morning. 6 AM  Christy knows that 4:15 PM Christy will easily succumb to all the reasons why NOT. Transportation is tricky, I’m exhausted, I’m hungry, I am finally being productive for the first time today, there are 95 other things I should be doing at home, IT'S JUST TOO MUCH. Blah, blah, blah. 4:00pm Christy is a real grump. 
But 6:00AM Christy anticipated this. She packed the clothes, brought the mat, booked the class, told multiple people of the plan.... Made all the right choices, but still. In a moment of weakness, fueled by anxiety, and caffeine, I cancelled the class. Chose not to arrange the Lyft. Told myself it was okay, maybe tomorrow. 

But then the phone rang.  Voices of my two favorite people were there, one sweet, sing-songy and the other measured, logical, firm, but loving. Checking in. Reminding me why I needed to go, why taking time to take care of myself is crucial. They offered to come get me, drop me off, interupt their plans so I could keep mine. 

Nope. 

I closed all my open tabs (9 if you’re curious. My internet browser is always a clear indication of how (un)focused my brain is), shut the computer down, arranged a Lyft, and left. 

I went. 
I showed up. And it’s no surprise to anyone that I don’t regret it one damn bit. 

Yoga is how I show myself I matter. It’s how I remind my hyper-critical, anxious brain that I can do hard things. And that things aren’t always as hard and complicated as I tell myself they will be. 

I show up for others every day. At work. At home. On the bus. I show up. I’m there. Friendly, smiling, heart wide-open, ready to work, love, and cheer on the underdogs - Present. With a capital P.  

Tonight I showed up for me. I went to yoga. Breathed deeply for what felt like the first time in weeks. I stumbled through poses, legs and arms shaking, falling out of them at times. I forced my mind to focus on the here and now. This breath. This movement. I allowed myself to be still. 
I walked home. I listened to a podcast that made me laugh. I called my mom. I reflected. I wrote. I showed up. For me. 

I really should do this more often. 

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